My biggest fear lately, if you can believe it, is the blank computer page. An empty piece of paper. The possibility of what is to come- whether it is something as huge as my book that I am supposed to be working on (oops!), the planner that I need to write out our homeschool plans for the coming week and even this space here. I literally started and re-started this post because I just didn’t know WHAT it was I wanted, or even needed to say.
Truth? I do LOVE to write. Anne of Green Gables, Jo in Little Women, even Harriet the Spy, they were my best friends, my role models, my inspiration in childhood and even beyond. I kept journals, I wrote when I traveled. I created stories, and just wrote my heart out. In the darkest of times, on the happy days, when things just didn’t even begin to make sense, and even in the ordinary- I just wrote. My favorite part of writing knitting patterns? The romance text that comes at the very beginning of the pattern and all the times that I get to share my heart with you all- whether in my posts, marketing materials, or even just in this space. No matter how many times the numbers had to be redone, the times my gauge swatch lied, or how many rounds of edits I had to go through with my editors, the writing part was my reward, it was the cherry on top, it was my happy place.
It’s been a struggle to wrestle with the why’s the words seem to be fighting me, and why I seem to tense when I sit down. I think it’s part fear and a whole lot of anxiety. Between homeschooling, staying home with my kids, and being an independent designer there is ALOT of solo existing between those three! (In addition to a lot of work, a lot of tears and just a whole lot of searching for strength somewhere!). It is hard to find the courage to be vulnerable, to be willing to share and step out into your truth, especially when it seems like everyone is against your truth. Or that your truth doesn’t matter. Or that no one is there to listen to your truth- no matter how profound, mundane, or even world-changing it might be. It’s a struggle to just keep showing up. And showing up. And showing up.
But, just like showing up everyday in your exercise program—and you know what I mean: Not just walking downstairs to your basement and saying hello to your bike, and it isn’t even just getting on the bike, or going for a short ride, NOPE. Showing up- being completely present, giving it your ALL, even when you are exhausted and would rather go back to bed, not just staying stagnant where you pushed yourself to yesterday, but being fully there and pushing through to a new height. That stuff is tough. That stuff requires you to dig deep into your core. Somedays, you’d prefer to just go back to sleep.
Somedays, somedays, this path I’m on is a lot like that. I’d rather just go back to sleep. I’d rather just take my kids outside, embrace the sunshine and spend my time ignoring the work, the deadlines. Somedays I just don’t want to wrestle with does it even matter? There are days that I waver between, goodness, I am just never going to be popular, or make a real go at this am I, AND, thank goodness that I’m just a nobody, that I feel incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of everything.
Are you there with me? Are you in that place where you are just tired of reminding your child to not do the same thing for the twentieth time in an hour? Maybe you have been sending out resumes to get that dream job and all you have been met with is a stack of rejections that rival the size of Texas. I’ve been there. But you know what, friend? No matter how hard it is to take that next step, sometimes it is that very step is the YES that you have been searching for, waiting for, and working your tail off to hear. And sometimes, it isn’t. Another door opens, and it isn’t until MONTHS (Sometimes years later!), that you realize that this door was so much better than you could ever imagine, ever hope for, or ever even dream possible.
I know how hard the ordinary can be, dear friend. It can be exhausting, overwhelming and well, just so ordinary. But oh friend, friend, there is POWER in the ordinary! There is something special and amazing in the ordinary when we just let go. In the ordinary days, you can find joy, smiles and memories you never dreamed possible. We just have to stop fighting ourselves, stop living in fear and just be desire everything.
It can be overwhelming to scroll Instagram and see all of these amazing incredible people that SEEM to have it ALL, whether it is the homeschool mom who has incredible lessons, who has impeccable unit studies on birds, flowers and weather that they seem to have whipped up out of thin air (and goodness do I wish that was my gifting!), maybe you feel frozen by the knits that you see when you scroll, you wonder how someone finds the time to knit all those perfect stitches, with no mistakes on the horizon, with yarn you would just be overwhelmed to knit with, or maybe it’s a designer that seems to have it ALL, and you are just hoping for one comment on your new release, feeling oh so very alone for stepping out of your comfort zone and putting your heart into the stitches. If that is you friend, know that I see you. I hear you. My heart is breaking for you, and if you were here, I’d pour you a cup of coffee and share my heart with you.
But since, I can’t, I hope that this somehow encourages you. It’s OK to just be where you are. It’s ok to not have the perfect lessons plans. It’s OK to spend your afternoon letting your kids craft their own spaceship out of an old shipping box, and then let them pretend they are heading to the moon themselves. That’s the power of the ordinary. You leave space for the magic to seep in and to weave its memories. It’s ok to knit what makes you happy. It’s ok to venture off and do it your way. If you want to change something, do it. If you realize that you are never going to wear that sweater you started simply because everyone else was knitting it, it’s ok to stop and knit something else.
In the ordinary we find our voice. In the ordinary we give ourselves space to get out of our own way. In the ordinary we can be. And hopefully in the ordinary we let go of the things that are hurting us, sometimes realizing that is our own selves.
So friend, what can you take joy in today? What is the power of your ordinary that you are going to step into today? I can’t wait to see!