~Yarnalong: I'll get the happy out of the way first, because that seems the easiest place to start! I'm knitting on a new design for The Fiber Seed, in Sprout Sock (the color is Breakfast at Tiffany's, and I'm using one dye style for the body of the cardigan and a different dye style in the same colorway for the sleeves, can you tell why?) I am just loving how this one is working up (even with the tiny sleeve snafu that is all resolved now! The color, the design, the lace panel in the back and now the magic of these sleeves, it just makes my heart sing. I am having so much fun knitting up these sleeves, I can't put them down for long and it's so fun watching the yarn just do it's thing, it feels so magical.
Ok, so now on to the harder bit. I joined an online Bible Study a few weeks ago, not really knowing what exactly I was getting myself into, but also acknowledging that I wanted, and needed to be doing something. It all started pretty simply, one of my Facebook friends asked if she knew any ladies that would like to be part of an online Bible Study. She also happened to be the leader of the first Bible Study that I was ever able to actually attend, and the leader of the Bible Studies that I would seek out for months after the first one ended. She always held them at convenient times for me as a mom of little ones, and she was always super understanding and sweet, so I felt a tugging in my heart that this is something I wanted to be a part of. (And it helped that I had the book and had meant to read it for months, but that just wasn't going to happen on my own!)
My study started this week, and in addition to the book, I also decided to participate in the Study Guide portion. And, whoa, gut wrenching, raw, real, deal with it right there in lesson one happened. It hit me like a brick wall: I.am.ALONE. I feel alone. And I don't want to. And yes, it does sound funny, to say aloud, when you are in a house, with 5 children, and you are home with them ALL day, that you are ALONE, but if you are a mom, you get it, right?
You are surrounded by activity. You are surrounded by noise ( to the point that you want to put your hands over your ears and sing LaLaLa), things are never quiet. I am juggling so many jobs, so many tasks, so much work, so many moving parts, but yet I feel alone. There is always something going on, there is always something happening, yet, l feel empty.
So, I'm going to be vulnerable, and I'm going to be real. And I'm going to start speaking up for myself, for my needs, and making my asks, loud and clear. This is going to be a changing and growing season for me, can you tell? And I am going to get to the bottom of the alone.
And the feeling unloved. As I was working thorough the first week's lessons this morning, it was really peeling back those layers and bringing up some not so fun feelings to the surface. I don't want to be alone. Gosh darn, wouldn't it be easier to just conform? To not be so different? But then I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be real, I wouldn't be authentic.
So, this is me. I am real. I am raw. I am a hurting, healing, mommy of 5. Yes, I homeschool (the three littlest, for now, maybe the older ones again after this year), I make a mix of food (I have one with all kinds of allergies, I attempt to eat Paleo until after lunch, strive to limit sugar, but have an extreme attachment to coffee!), I have a heart and passion for midwifery (but never enough hours in the day to become one! but I will listen to your stories with an open and caring heart), I love supporting women, listening to their hearts, and meeting them where they are, I am a knitter, I'm a knitwear designer, I LOVE yarn and probably own more yarn than I could ever knit in a lifetime, I LOVE Jesus, but am really struggling with who I am in Christ. I am strongly opinionated but I don't mind hearing about YOURS. And I would LOVE some mommy friends, or some non-mommy friends, or just some sort of companionship in my life from someone who promises to not lie to me, to be real with me, and to be there for me.
How can I be a friend to you this week? How can I encourage you and see YOU where you are? Dearest one, you do not have to do this alone, you do not have to be alone. You are NOT alone.